Heartache...

      It's been a while since I last wrote something in here...I'm just too tired...My work's nt done...I'm beat. It's so hard to live with my dad...I mean...It's been like tat since I was born but now he's just getting worse. I don't even know how to cope with him anymore...He nags...He snaps...He hits...All those awful things just keep coming at me...I can't take it anymore >< My mom...she just listened to dad...said to bear with it. I know it's wrong to snap back at my dad but I just can't stand his attitude. He never listens to other ppl, he's always right even though he's wrong, he never understands my situation. He never tries to put himself in my shoes...I quarreled with him, arguing the right thing but never win over him. I ran away from home, he didn't even care. I tried to kill myself and he said "go on! do it if u dare!" Is tat how a dad supposed to act in all these situations? I don't care anymore...I just don't care...

Fantasy Maniac!!

      I woke up from my dream...it's a nightmare...the world has ended...well u may laugh at me =.=" but to me it's inspiration. Everyday, I got all kinds of great ideas from my dreams. The only thing I'm worried about is the day I woke up in blank memory...tat's gonna make me vry moody for the whole day. My dreams...it won't stop generating ideas. I love my own dreams...I juz love 'em...I can even watch Ep2!! now tat's cool~ it's real ^^ I've got all kinds of ideas from my dreams and wrote them into short stories...I even have a few loyal readers that follow up my stories~ It's my life and my own world~


      Sadly, these few days I've been waking up with no dreams...I was unable to think straight at all...I don feel like moving on to the next day knowing my dreams haven't came back. It sucks when I wake up with horrible dreams...I felt tensed when tis happens! Come back~ I need you~ >o<      


      The best thing about my dream is I can alter the way the story goes. When I'm nt satisfied with the dream...I can reverse and change to make it more interesting...reverse again if the outcome is still nt satisfying. I like the way I can alter the storyline and make it my own~ Everyday is filled with excitement...I can't wait for my next dream...wondering wat surprise I'll get. Since I've nt been dreaming for awhile, I'm starting to feel tensed and uneasy...A day w/o imagination is a disaster for me!! It's the worst!!


      I'm sure lots of people will forget bout wat they dreamt as soon as they woke up. It's like a memory wipe out for them. For me, I don't want to forget bout them...As soon as I woke up from my sleep...I'll start to write wat I had dreamt. Sometimes when the dream was cut short due to my alarm clock..sometimes I can continue tat dream the next day and EP2...haha..it's nice to have tis...no nid for movies or dramas...I hav my own movie and drama where I'm the director...I can change whatever I don't like and put in more ideas to make it more interesting. I'm not a movie director...I'm a dream director!! ^^

The one who I'll nvr be able to grab hold agn

      I still remember the way you smiled at me 15 years ago...I still remember clearly...the feeling I had for you is different from the feelings I had for other ppl...you're someone who's special to me...A one in a million. Nobody can replace you. You're not a lover to me...you're like a brother...someone who I admire so much tat I don't want to be far from...But it was only a year...juz one year and you moved so far away from me...I've nvr seen you since then. Do you still remember me like the way I remember you? Do you still remember what you said to me tat makes me the "me" today? It doesn't matter anymore...You're only a shadow...a memory I can't erase...


      When I was young...I was a very weak and coward little girl who can't stand for herself whn she faces problems. I was a no one before I met you. You changed me into a courageous person who stands firm on her feet and faces problems head-on. I'm "me" today cos of you...I wished you could've stayed a little longer. I know I can't turn back time...I know...


      I was always bullied back then. The boys juz won't leave me alone whn I'm in school. I'm afraid to tell my family bout it...but then...you moved here. Only a year older than me but you're much more matured than them. I didn't noticed you earlier cos I'm too busy running away from those boys...I don't hav any friend to defend me. I'm alone...always been alone. The day I noticed you is the day you're waiting for someone to fetch you...sitting by the bench outside the school juz next to me...You asked me why I let the boys bully me like tat. I cried infront of you...You comfort me and for the first time I felt safe beside a person my age. From tat day on you're always around me...helping me with my homework and as a playmate.


      The day I truly believe in you is the day you defended me against those boys. You beat 'em alone and made them promise to not bully me again. You're bruised but you didn't mind. I was touched to see someone willing to protect a person like me...I admired you since then. You're like a brother to me...Someone I can depend on when I had problems. You gave me courage to do things I didn't dare to do before this. I treasure you more than words can say.


      But the day came when you had to leave cos of your parent's career. You can't stay here anymore...I cried agn...You told me to be strong so no one will ever bully me agn even whn you're gone. I took your words and learnt to depend on myself. The boys didn't dare to bully me even after you moved away. I warned them to not take me lightly anymore. I've become brave juz like how you wanted me to be...I can even beat up boys whn I exploded now...haha...Thank you for all the things you've done for me~


      But I didn't get any news from you after tat. It's like you have disappeared completely from my life. I searched for your address but everything is in vain. Where are you? I've missed you so much that I cried every time I remember you during  my hard times...Where are you? You're too special to me...but I won't be able to see you anymore...Even if you don't remember me anymore...You'll always be remembered by me...I'm "me" today cos of you...you're a person who I'll admire for the rest of my life.

Do You Still Know Me?

      Met with a friend of mine which I haven't met for a long time...I waved at him but he ignored me...izzit cos he's with his gf tat he's embarrassed to reply me with a wave? Or u juz simply don't remember me anymore? I didn't look at him after tat although he's sitting only a few tables away...I noticed tat he turned to me a few times but I didn't get the feeling tat he knows me...maybe he's juz curious who I am to wave at a "stranger". How stupid can I get to think he still recognizes me...How stupid can I get, huh?

Forgotten...

      The day slowly givs way to the night...slowly...the night passes it's duty back to the day agn...I wonder how many years I've been like this...I've been the forgotten...for a long long time...I've been crying in the dark...for a long long time...Why am I the only one forgotten by evryone? Did I do anything wrong? Did I say anything tat hurt the others' feeling? I don't understand...I've been moderate...I've been patient...I've been careful with wat I said for my whole life...but still...It's the same no matter whr I go...I hav the ability (not 100% accurate) to sense ppl's hidden emotions...I know wat they think...I know how they feel...I know 'em well...so well tat it hurts me...


      I've been wounded...no one heals me. I've cried...no one comforts me. I've been sad...no one cheers me up. I've been cheerful...no one thinks I'm taking things seriously. I've been listening...but no one speaks. Wat's wrong with me? I've asked but no one said a thing bout me...Wat am I? Hav I forgotten myself too? Losing myself as time passes by...I juz can't get it off my mind...I believed I could juz let tis go...why do I still care whn it doesn't matter anymore since evryone's giving me the cold shoulder..."Will someone remembers me?" tis echoes in my heart...it's a question tat'll nvr be answered

Heartache...

      Feeling so angry and frustrated...irritated and annoyed at the same time...thr's so much stuff happening in only a short month...Evrything has gone wrong...Some ppl are not the same person they were anymore...I'm afraid...so afraid to say anything to them...I'm afraid I will step on the wrong patch of land and get bombed for no reason...I juz don't know what to say to them...


      I've asked someone in my class...tat person told me I'm "38" in Chinese...OMG!! whn did I bcom "38"? You don't even know me!! The thing I hated the most is budge in on somebody else's business!!! I don't like to get myself involved in something tat's unnecessary!! Yet tat person said I'm "38"...I wonder which eye of his saw I'm "38"? This person has been a very inconsiderate human...he is some sort of mutant~ nobody is able to understand him...he refuses to let other ppl know bout him...I tried to explore his feelings but in the end ntg came out!! He's juz awfully weird!! For God's sake, someone plz tell me wat kind of creature is he?


      He's juz too hard to get close to and he don't understand other ppl's feelings too. Everything he said bout me is wrong...I'm nt the kind of person he described...What am I in ur eyes? I doubt u even care bout those around u...I know...I know...You don't open ur heart to anybody...not even to the one who's always close to u and worried bout u...It makes us miserable and frustrated cos we tried evrything we can to change u into a more cheerful and open-minded person...


      I juz don't know what to answer u...u're juz a person whose keyhole is completely stuffed...I don't understand ur true nature...You're juz...juz...weird!!! 

Animal instinct?? Seriously?

      Been feeling like this since I was a child...I've never known any best friends...only ordinary friends...It's not tat I don't believe other people...it's just tat I trust people too easily tat it leads to this...I can only blame myself... "Yes, it's my fault"..."I'm sorry ok?"..."I'm not the person you imagined" It's always me apologizing...When I'm at my peak everyone comes near me...but as I fall everybody distant themselves from me...

      
      Maybe it's cos of my background that made me the way I am now. I spent almost all of my childhood time with animals rather than human...surrounded by nature from a young age makes me somewhat feral...isolated from human society...well it's not tat serious but till now I'm still not comfortable with people around me...It makes me feel somewhat isolated. Human mind is a complex thing that I can't understand. Being around animals for a long period of time made me sensitive towards other people's feeling and myself too became sensitive. なぜか? 私は自分自身を理解していない。


      Human doesn't think as simple as an animal does. As long as you treat an animal right, it will repay you the way you treat him but humans don't do tat. They'll always think of something so that they can take advantage of you. I wonder why? Maybe that's why I can't cope with 'em. Spending time with animals made me realized that humans are sometimes cruel and cold-blooded. They're scary creatures!! Runaway!! but I'm a human too...can I run from this truth? I don't think so...

The Most Boring Holiday...EVER!! but a lil hidden joy...

      This year's holiday is the worst ever!!! In fact...it sucks!! Tuition & extra classes till the end of December & revision for next year's exam. What am I? a robot? M-16 machine gun? Been skipping my blog for more than a month...pretty much like my sleep...I thought when school's off I would be able to get a little more sleep then usual but NO!! it's just the same as always...
      Feeling ill for a while now since it's raining almost everyday...sometimes from daylight till night...Barely made it home from tuition when the rain starts to fall...Almost ran out of gas everyday from these daily routines. So...ah! right! Introducing a manga I found recently...[Nurarihyon no Mago]

from bottom: Rikuo, Tsurara, Gitsune and Rihyon

      Found this a few days before holiday started. Quite nice...found this to be very interesting with all the youkai plot...especially the main protagonist Nura Rikuo. Rikuo has 2 personalities- one is his usual human personality Day Rikuo and another is his youkai personality Night Rikuo. Wanna know more? read it yourself!! The anime is out too...either one is nice but I like the manga better ^^

Left: Night Rikuo  Right: Day Rikuo

Final Exam Storm is Brewing~~

      Starting tomorrow...I'm gonna start having my final exam...it's gonna be tough coz the teachers didn't have enough motivation to teach...gotta study harder and squeeze 'em out!!! Hope I won't screw up any subject >< oh Maths!! y can't i understand u?

A Few Sneezes and It's Here...

      What a weather!! It was raining like crazy almost everyday and I was soaked a few times...having a few sneezes in school yesterday and now I'm down with fever...A pathetic way to lose to a cold ~.~ Hope I'll be able to go to school tomorrow...Final exam's almost here and I'm still dilly dally doing unnecessary things...So many things to study yet didn't have enough time for it...I'm dead meat!!!


      什么天气！几乎每天下雨像疯了似的，我被浸泡过几次...昨天在学校打了几次喷嚏，现在我发烧了...一个可怜的方式输给冷〜。〜希望我明天能去学校...大考几乎要到了，我还在做不必要的东西...这么多东西还没读完但是时间不足...我死定了！！